Loved One Living With Chronic Pain? 8 Ways to Be an Awesome Support System
You’re standing by helplessly watching your loved one suffer in excruciating pain.
And you feel completely useless.
It’s not like you watched your wife stub her toe. Or witnessed your child falling off a bike. Or gasped as your best friend slipped on a patch of ice.
These things hurt, but you know the pain is temporary.
This is much worse. Your loved one suffers from chronic pain. You know this is permanent. You know this is forever.
You watch as we navigate daily life in immeasurable pain, and we know you desperately want to help.
But your words sound worthless in your head, and your actions seem empty. But trust me, they’re not. You just need a little guidance and insight.
Read on for eight crucial ways you can support a loved one in chronic pain.
1. Believe Us…
You may be shaking your head like, huh? But hear me out! Chronic pain is mostly an invisible illness. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there.
We’re used to hostile skepticism from our doctors, co-workers, and, sometimes, family and friends. We’re notorious for understating our pain.
It’s like the saying goes: Don’t be that guy. Be our safe place in a world that treats us like addicts and unfairly shames us into silence.
2. …Except When We Say “I’m Fine.”
We’re programmed to say this. Seriously. We put on a brave face for those around us because we already feel like a burden.
So when you hear “I’m fine,” take a long hard look. Pay attention to body language. Are we holding ourselves tightly? Limping slightly?
One look into our eyes, and you’ll see for yourself that we’re anything but fine.
So call us on our BS. Tell us you know the real deal, so we don’t have to pretend.
3. It’s Totally OK If You Don’t Understand Chronic Pain
I’ll let you in on a secret: The prison of chronic pain is so complicated even we don’t always understand what nightmare is wreaking havoc on our bodies. So we certainly don’t expect you to.
Ask us questions — don’t be shy or awkward about it. Be sincere in your journey to learn what we really need from you.
But cut yourself some slack for not being able to step into our shoes. We wouldn’t want that for you anyway.
4. Please, Respectfully, Keep Your Unsolicited Advice to Yourself
Listen. We know you mean well. Truly. But we don’t want to hear about how your Aunt Sally’s best friend’s sister tried this herbal remedy or that diet and miraculously freed herself from pain.
And yes, we have Googled all of our symptoms. Extensively.
Sometimes we just need to vent and aren’t looking for any advice. If we ask for it, go for it. Otherwise, just be the listening board we don’t have anywhere else.
5. Don’t Take it Personally When We Snap at You (And We Will)
We have good days and bad days like everyone else. But our bad days can be brutal. Pain messes with our brains, sometimes worse than our bodies.
So when we can’t concentrate or even literally speak properly, we lash out at our loved ones.
I promise you; we don’t mean it. Instead of taking it personally, just know that if you’re the recipient of our harsh words, it means we trust you aren’t going anywhere.
But on that note…
6. Check-In With Yourself — It’s OK to Be Frustrated With Us
You’re not a Saint. There’s no way you don’t feel frustrated or angry with us. It’s a heavy load to bear, supporting someone with chronic pain. We know this, and that’s why you’re so essential to us.
It’s totally OK to tap out and take a minute (we won’t take it personally, either).
Find some way to vent your frustration, so it doesn’t build up and boil over into a confrontation with your loved one.
7. Yes, Please, Take Out the Garbage
This one’s tricky. We’re stubborn. We like to keep as much independence and self-worth as possible. If you ask, “is there anything I can do to help,” the answer will be “No.”
So you just have to do it. Grab the garbage and go. Throw the clothes in the dryer. Say, “I’m already at the store, so…”
Taking the initiative in physical tasks on your part saves us a measure of humiliation (and a lot of pain) on our part.
8. We Really Just Need to Know You’re There
At the end of the day, all we really need is to know that you’re in our corner. You’re the one person we can count on, no matter what. And that you love us.
We know we test your patience. We get on your nerves. We waffle between needy and leave me alone. It’s not easy, and sometimes it’s downright messy.
That’s why I can’t emphasize enough: the most important thing we need from you is you.
It Won’t Be Easy — But You Got This
Supporting a loved one with chronic pain is a difficult thing to do. We know watching us suffer can be as incredibly painful as the suffering we endure.
But imagine not having that crippling feeling of helplessness watching us struggle because you have a better compass to help us navigate down this scary road.
Imagine not feeling completely useless because you now know what truly helps — and what doesn’t.
Imagine those words you thought were so worthless in your head lifting us up by telling us, “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
I hope I’ve pulled back the veil a bit to give you a better glimpse into what it takes to be an awesome support system.
We will never get “better.” But your love and support on this journey help us feel less alone and afraid. It’s invaluable.
